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Black Attack: Soccer Haters – Un-American

New columnist Alan Black, author of Kick The Balls, explains how soccer is the most patriotic game out there.

Jul 22, 2009 2:19:38 AM

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By Alan Black

Recently, I went to a San Francisco baseball game and started a fight with a bloated oaf with a hotdog brain. I relished the opportunity; I knew it would be easy mustard. I played the ignorant foreigner card with an accent – this is my first time at your baseball game - and dropped a few hints that the most exciting moments were the organ playing, the hand clapping, and the Let's Go Gi-ants chant that sounded like a muted fart during rest. Throw, swing, run, throw, swing, run, throw, swing, run... who needs sleeping pills? After a few six buck beers, I pretended to snooze, and snore. He was not impressed. He poked me. So I asked him if he liked soccer. Hated it. The most boring sport in the world, best left to foreigners, he said, spitting a goober shell on my shoe. I asked him who his favorite American baseball player was. Manny Ramirez. He refused to believe an iPhone Google search - Manny Ramirez. Born: Dominican Republic. Wow! I said, you don't believe in Google? That's un-American, sir. He left before the seventh inning stretch, missing out on the real fun. Of course, I like baseball. I don't hate sports. Like him.

So what is it with these soccer hating morons? These jingoists would rather sit around worshiping baseball teams filled with players from the Dominican Republic than support a team of eleven Americans fighting on a true world stage for the red, white and blue. They would rather clap together those annoying plastic sticks that basketball fans use to distract shooters than wave an American flag in a game against Mexico? Or hold up signs that say, Go Giants, handed out by some corporation patriotically exporting American jobs overseas? These so-called soccer critics are are a disgrace to the country, they are not patriots, and, come the soccer revolution, they will be fried at the steak at the tailgate in the parking lot.

So, let's not have these un-American slobs get away with it any longer. Soccer is the patriots game. That's where a true love of country comes from, getting behind the national squad in a duel with another country, not clapping along to an organ when a team from San Francisco plays a team from San Diego. Get out there and roar for the nation. And shut up! OK, I will. Until next week.

Alan Black is a contributor to Goal.com

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